How to Deal With Chinese People 101
By Ling Zhou

When dealing with individuals of foreign nationalities, it could sometimes be difficult to know how you should proceed. Since I am of Chinese origin, I have compiled a list of actions to employ when relating to Chinese persons. Remember to use the actions as often as humanly possible to avoid any awkwardness. Many of the following points can be modified to apply to other nationalities as well.

1. Do NOT Distinguish Between Geographical Differences and Neighboring Nationalities: All Asians are the same, and therefore you should take no time to separate two Asians with different nationalities. In the brotherhood of Asianality, language barriers disappear; all Chinese people can speak Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, and vise versa. In fact, any time you see a language that looks like it could be written with a calligraphy pen, assume it is Chinese. Ask Chinese people if they are samurais or ninjas, and if they know the Dalai Lama. After all, they all look the same, so just call all Asians Chinese, they won’t mind at all.

2. Assume all Chinese People Know Each Other: Chinese people are like computers all connected to a giant web of inter-Chinese knowledge; you can relate it to a type of collective consciousness. Any Chinese knows the other 2.5 billion Chinese citizens by name, and is probably related to half of them, not to mention a level of connection with all Asians in general. So next time you go to Chinatown, tell them you know me, and you’ll get a discount for sure. Also, never hesitate to ask a Chinese person if he knows Jet Li or Jackie Chan or Yao Ming, you might just score an autograph.

3. Use Stereotypes: Nothing makes a Chinese person feel more comfortable than when you seem like you are knowledgeable about their culture. Therefore, it is only logical that you use whatever stereotypes in your arsenal to appear informed. If you do not possess a suitable amount of stereotypes, accumulate them by Asian related movies. Some common ones include: All Chinese know Kung Fu, Karate, and every other form of Martial Arts; All Chinese Drink Tea; All Chinese are short and have squinty eyes; All Chinese carry swords; All Chinese are Communists; All Chinese speak with a choppy accent; All Chinese use chopsticks; All Chinese eat rice; All Chinese have worked in sweat shops; All Asians eat cats and dogs. These are all excellent topics for conversation, and you should bring them up as often as possible, with sentences like: “How do cats taste?” and “Can you kick through that wall?”

4. Use Their Language: When conversing with a Chinese individual, always try to use their native language. Since all Chinese can speak every Asian Language, use any Asian language you know. If you do not know any Asian languages, follow this following formula to create your own:
1. All words contain only one syllable
2. All words end with “ing” or “ong” and begin with Ch, L, P, S, W, and Y. A good sentence would be something like: “Ching Chong Pong Ying Wong!”
3. When speaking, over enunciate and move lips in jerks, being sure to open them as much as possible with each word
4. Be sure to speak loudly and confidently
5. In the case that you are unconfident, ask the Chinese individual to check your speech, with questions like: “What did I just say?” If he responds with “Nothing”, it means he is impressed by your Asian language skills but does not know how to compliment you.
6. For added Effect, randomly yell loudly and imitate martial arts moves.

Aside from the fluent usage of Asian speech, it is sometimes important to also know some basic Asian writing. The following list contains tips to some basic Chinese calligraphy.
1. Use straight lines
2. Make random crosses and boxes, sometimes the crosses are inside the boxes, and make diagonal lines going in odd directions.
3. Repeat the above steps to create new characters, link them together to form sentences.
4. Display it proudly to the Chinese individual to impress him.
If you follow these directions, the Chinese person will be touched by your sincerity and the lengths you went to make him feel at home. Nothing makes a Chinese person feel better than to find out his language is held in such a universal placement.

5. All Actions Performed by Chinese People are Done Because They are Chinese: Chinese people have different motivations than you do. You get a drink because you are thirsty, Chinese people get drinks because they are Chinese. They are also always in need of being reminded of this trait, so always ask them questions like: “Do you do that because you are Chinese?” or “Do your Chinese brethren do that too?” When you see a Chinese individual being asked a question, answer for him: “It is because he is Chinese.” This will save him much explanation and he will both be gratified and flattered that you know so much about him. Also, be sure to attribute all of his positive and negative qualities to his nationality, don’t compliment him, it’s because he’s Chinese, but when you complain about him, use sentences like: “Why is he so Chinese?” and “These Chinese people are all the same.”

6. Chinese Only have taste for Chinese Things: Americans enjoy food, clothing, and accessories from a wide range of cultures. But that is only because America is a racial melting pot. Chinese enjoy no such privilege. They enjoy only things Chinese in nature. Logically, it can be deducted that all possessions of a Chinese person came from China, and that Chinese people only eat Chinese food. How then, you may ask, can Chinese live in America and buy things from the US market? Simple, because Chinese people make everything. Look at your watch, some kid in China working manual labor assembled that. Even though you know this, you should still always ask: “Is that from China?” as often as possible, to show your interest in their homeland.

When you use these tips, you drastically improve your relations with other Chinese individuals. Commit these 6 points to memory, because every China man will be begging for a friend like you!